Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Things I'm Afraid to Tell You
I'm posting this as part of a movement to present some reality, honesty and authenticity from the blogging world. There are many preconceived notions about what a person's reality is versus their online profile. These posts are an effort to align these two images.
There has already been two waves of posts, which you can find at Creature Comforts and Meg + Mimi and the very first post from Jess Constable that inspired the movement. Having read many of these posts, it really is refreshing and puts me at ease with what I've written and also about some of my personal misdirections.
My friend Leslie invited me to participate in round three and I'm not sure why I was so quick to say yes. Maybe because I had already just posted a slightly exposing article on my lack of friends which isn't an easy thing to admit. But, in an effort to support my friends and maybe push myself out of my comfort zone I present to you a few Things I'm Afraid to Tell You.
1. I am surprisingly sensitive about my... handedness. I say 'surprisingly' because I put in a lot of effort to appear comfortable in my own skin with my experiences/adventures, and with how I've come to fit into my surroundings seemingly seamlessly (say that 5 times fast). I hear from friends that they 'don't even think about it' and that it's a non-issue, like someone having curly hair or being left-handed (news flash: I'm most certainly not left-handed). So while all of this is great, I wish some days that it was an issue. I wish my friends would ask me questions about it. Some days I wish I had a friend that was in a similar circumstance so I could talk to them but other days I'm happy that I'm the only one so that I don't have to share the spotlight. (I realize that if you're new here you don't know that I only have one hand so... I only have one hand, FACT)
2. I have no confidence in... anything. I believe that I am average at many things and do not excel at anything. I always feel like I can do better and reach higher and that when people tell me I've done a good job it's because they don't want to hurt my feelings.
3. I am torn about having children. My whole life I have wanted a family and recently I have started telling people that being a mom is my ultimate career path. That being said I'm terrified of having children for a few reasons. One being that I really feel like we aren't doing a sliver of what is required to get our planet back on track and to have it last us more than 50 years. What kind of a world am I bringing a child into? Will they even be able to live a full life? Another reason being post-partum depression. For some reason I'm convinced that I will suffer through it. That I won't bond with my baby, that I'll go wackadoo and that (heaven forbid) I cause someone harm. And lastly, my mom had two giant babies (11+ pounds and 9+ pounds) and just the idea of going through that makes me want to cross my legs and waddle around like that forever. RB wants them and I do want them right now but these reasons are causing me much hesitation and also making me feel like it would be selfish.
4. Despite not having confidence I want to be the best at everything. This is probably why I don't have any confidence - there will always be someone better. It's terrible to think that I want to be better than my friends. What an awful thing to want! And yet I find myself wanting to have the most unique wardrobe, the cleanest house, the best food, and the best life. This makes me sad because I really love my friends and am constantly amazed and proud of what they are doing and achieving. And yet I find myself thinking I can do better. What a snob I am. I'm trying to be more thankful for what I have and to not compare myself to others. It's a work in progress.
I have some other friends who have joined me today, please check them out and lend your support!
Jill at Terra Savvy | Jen at Taking Off the Mask | Kate at Modern Home Modern Baby | Laura at My So Called Sensory Life | Monique at Razing Mayhem | Caroline at Salsa Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Tammie at Tam.Me | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Michelle at Early Mama | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and Letters | Sarah at SAWK Photography