Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Tips for surviving when your apartment is freezing

...or How to Survive Sub-zero Temperatures With All the Amenities of a First-World Home

1. Always stay dressed in many layers. Some basics include long johns, flannel pants, sweat pants, wool socks, slippers, undershirt, long-sleeved shirt, sweater, large hoodie, scarf, toque, and blanket. I suppose when I wrote 'suggestions' it may have come across as "some separate ideas you many want to try" when really I meant "this entire list is one suggestion of one set of clothes you could wear... at once" just want to be clear.

2. Never undress. Do not risk skin exposure. You will be cold when you sleep so just crawl into bed dressed as such. Sure, that seems kind of gross going to bed in what you have been wearing all day but desperate times call for desperate measures, sheets can be washed. Really, you're already wrapped in blankets, going to bed just means turning your body from a vertical fetal position at your desk to horizontal on your bed.

3. The shower is both the best and worst part of your day. The time you spend in that seemingly magical spray of pure goodness will be the greatest 10 (...or 25...) minutes of your day. The 5 minutes prior to and afterward are the worst of your day. Getting in and out of a shower requires nudity (I know, you're shocked) and there is no way around. You get in with your clothes on and those clothes are going to turn frigid as soon as you step out. It's not worth it, trust me. Instead, enjoy the pain-turned-pleasure of your fingers thawing out.

4. Spoil the dog and let him sleep on the bed. Did you know that a dog's natural temperature is roughly 15 degrees warmer than a humans? No way is that extra heat going to waste. Trust me, when it's 4c in the house, that dog is not leaving your side. Not to self... get a bigger dog...

5. Go out for meals. Your fingers are too stuff to cook and you can barely get up from your chair. Going out for meals means showering (described above...mmm....), getting a hot meal made by someone else, and being in an establishment that likely has heat as it would be closed otherwise given the temperature outside and it would be considered cruel and unusual punishment to allow humans to suffer as so (HMMM FUNNY THAT).

6. Go to bed early. The more you sleep the less you have to endure in this frozen hell.

Fun things to do when your house is the same temperature as outside which happens to be less than 5c:

1. After your shower allow your wet hair to freeze into icicles so that you can crack them like you did while waiting for the bus growing up

2. Fog up mirrors and draw funny pictures

3. See how many scarves you can fit twisted around your body without getting tangled up

4. Leave the house because it's ludicrous to stay instead. Bring puppy and head to brother's house. be fair the heat came on about an hour ago though it is sure taking it's sweet ass time filling the house. Perhaps it's karma for my posting a slightly bitter blog entry.

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