Thursday, June 16, 2005

I don't even know anymore

It’s weird to think about really. Of all the people you meet in your lifetime I’m most likely one of the most organized and precise when it comes to my daily tasks. No weekend goes un-planned, no pair of underwear goes un-folded.

But recently, maybe it’s because I clearly think too much, but I’ve totally lost track of everything. I mean I still plan my weekends and I still fold my underwear but I have no idea what I’m doing in anything anymore.

Do I like my program? Is this what I want to do forever? Do I like working in this field? Will it really get better at work when I’m not a co-op student?

Do I like the way I look? Do I really miss my hair as much as I think I do? Should I really reconsider being so obsessed with what I wear everyday?

The hobbies that I have, do I have them because I want to impress people or because I truly love doing them?

I like to think that I’m totally not self conscious. Or at least I like to think that I come across as being independent and put together. But in all honesty, I care way too much.

I don’t take risks.
For example I don’t drink anymore, not because I don’t like alcohol but because when I’ve had too much to drink I can’t plan how I’ll get home or where I’ll be sleeping. Does it really matter if I sleep on my friends couch and not in my own bed? Does it really matter if I wake up in the clothes that I wore the night before, or haven’t brushed my teeth and taken my makeup off? Does it really matter?

I hate being unsure of myself.
If I’m worried about something I will not sit until I know something is being done about it. I’m that person who sends out all their Christmas thank you cards early, has all their holiday shopping done early. Has everyone’s phone number written down…just in case. That’s me.

Does it really matter that I have doubts about every single move I make and every single word I say to every single person I speak to every single day?

1 comment:

  1. Where was my christmas card :P

    Either way, it's good to be self-conscious, but you shouldn't let it control you. I'm almost the same way, a bit of a control freak, and an information control freak. I love the power to know what I'll be doing 5 minutes or even 5 days from now.

    You like the order in your life, however a bit of disorder and uncertainty shouldn't throw everything out of whack. Order after a while equals boring, however order is needed in our lives. The disorder makes things more interesting (i'm not saying that things aren't interesting to begin with) but a stale life is kind of hard to justify.

    Even if your hobbies are questionable on your part, they still help in define you, so if you're just doing them to impress people, that's just the way you are, and you shouldn't worry about why you're doing your hobbies.

    I usually ask myself the same questions, whether i'm in the right programs, whether i really like computers, whether i really like the things i do.... and it all comes down to what I do. I do these things, and these things define who I am.

    You'll be remembered as the great friend who always lent an ear, you'll be remembered as the girl who went from Enviro to Civ, you'll be the girl who shaved her head for cancer, you'll be the party animal that we all love and adore.

    These are the things that define you, and it's hard to take control of that when you're worried about making a move or doing something.

    My advice is just to go with it, do what you enjoy and let the cards fall as they may